When I was a little girl I would lay awake at night in my bed thinking about my mortality. I didn't know then it was called mortality, I only knew that someday I would cease to exist. It scared me. It made me sick to think about not seeing my loved ones again.
Now that I am grown, I won't lie, I still have thoughts about my own mortality, but they barely make it onto my radar these days. Since becoming a mother, my scary thoughts all center around the most important people in my life...my children. I hear about a tragic accident involving someone else's child, and my heart sinks for the parents. Then the inevitable occurs, I begin to think about the "what if." What if it were my child? It would crush me.
I admit this is a bit morbid, but I feel the need to put it out there. I have wondered whether I am alone in this, or even a minority...or if this happens to all women when they become moms. When I say that I worry about something happening to my kids, that sounds completely normal even to me. But if I were to say that some thought on the subject crosses my mind most every day, well, that sounds plain nuts...even to me. Sadly, it's the truth. I am acutely aware of the lack of control I have over the rest of the world. Who am I kidding? I don't have control in my own household most days. So it leads me to think about all of the things that could harm my kids. When that happens (the thinking about these things), I am overwhelmed.
I wish I could say that I have absolute faith in God's plan for me and my family. In fact, I do believe God has a plan, and I do have faith in that plan. But I am not without fear. It seems like such a shameful waste of energy to spend precious moments pondering things that have not and probably will never happen. But alas, I do. Is that normal? Do all moms do this? If so, are they just better at redirecting these thoughts than I am? I wish I really new for sure.
Now...I feel the need to quantify a little bit. I am not nuts. I don't spend hours and days thinking about this stuff. But with such a delicate subject matter, it doesn't take hours and days of these thoguhts to be bothered. Bothered I am.
So...am I? Am I alone in thinking this way?