It's been building for a while now. I've felt it coming. Today it all broke loose. Like a torrential outpouring, I was flooded with the pent up frustration I've been carrying around for who knows how long. Now that it's been released, I honestly can't say for sure what has had me in such a state. Is it the perpetual mess in which I find myself daily? Is it the constant won't let me breathe can't poop in peace incessant need of my time and attention? Certainly I am not performing any feats above and beyond my peers. Yet, at times, I feel absolutely defeated. Sigh.
So today, I was having a challenging telephone conversation with my husband, and in the midst of it, a basket full of my hair ties, barretts, etc. were dumped out (by my children) and cleaned up (by me) four times. My children always have impeccable timing. They seem to know just when to attack...to plot against me. Well, upon hanging up the phone, I croucehd to my knees to clean up (yet again) the articles that were strewn all over my bedroom floor. This added to the frustration my phone call left me feeling, sent me over the edge. I cried. I yelled something about being tired of cleaning up all the messes. Something about the living room always being a disaster. Addyson, having never seen me do this, started crying too. Talk about adding insult to injury. Immediately I thought "oh perfect, what sort of psychological damage am I doing to her?"
I pulled my crap together and told her not to worry, that sometimes mommy's had a hard time. Then, I instructed her to go wait for me in the living room while I put Colton down for a nap. So I changed his diaper, and put him down. Bless this baby for being such a wonderful sleeper.
As I come out toward the living room I see Addyson carrying a box of pasta from the living room to the pantry. Curious, I make my way to the living room to see that she has cleaned a large portion of the room. All the toys that she could manage were put back in the toy basket, and the accent pillows were put back on the couches. Immediately tears sting my eyes. I can't believe that my little daughter has such a huge amount of compassion already. I can' t believe that I made her feel so insecure that she felt like she needed to please me that way. Now...to figure out how to do that every day ;)