**My nursing cover giveaway ends today...enter if you haven't...winner announced tomorrow**
I am sitting here depleted of energy, thoughts, emotions. The well has run dry. Not truly, but that is my overall demeanor as I type. I have just come home from the gym. From a workout the likes of which I haven't had in a long time. I mean it. My husband has been going to a personal trainer, and tonight I went in his place. I will be continuing to go in his place for a month...if I make it that long.
On my way home from the gym I was thinking about how this has to make the change that has eluded me thus far. If it doesn't, nothing will. Of this I am certain. Then, I started thinking about the fact that it never seems to be enough. Never. I don't know that I will ever be satisfied with my body. Always five more pounds, then tone this more, and shape this more, and on and on and on.
Prior to my first pregancy I was in good shape by my own standards and great shape by other's. In fact, here is a picture of me when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Addyson.
I look at it this and I long to look like that today. My breasts weren't to my knees, and no muffin top existed. Yet, at that point in time (well, before I was pregant...but this is the only pic I have that bares it all for that time) I wasn't happy about how I looked. Oh, most days I felt pretty good. I was fit, I worked out at least 5 days each week, and my clothes fit me well. But I didn't like my legs, and my butt needed to shed a layer. I could smack my former self right about now.
Today, two kids in rapid succession later, I am struggling to get that body back. I keep saying I have just ten more pounds to go when the reality is more like fifteen. I have been able to squeeze into some of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe, but not most of it...not even half of it. It's so depressing. So, now I am going to show you what I look like today. The picture was taken in February, and honestly I look at it and I know that some of you are going to say things like "you're crazy, you look fine." I can say that I look at the picture and I see that I look okay, but okay is not good enough. It's never enough.
I couldn't even bare to do the picture in a swim suit. So there I am...posing like a moron and smiling about it.Now, to be clear, the point of this post is not to beat on myself. I am working at getting myself back to where I feel comfortable. The point is that for so many of us, it's just never good enough. I believe it's great to live a healthy lifestyle, and be fit...but at what point do you say "Damn! I look good." (to yourself, of course). Why do so many of us struggle to be able to simply feel content with who we are today? There is so much more than the outward shell we present.
I'll tell you this...I mentioned that if this month with the trainer didn't start to make the change, then nothing would. I believe it, and I have made up my mind that it's okay. I'm okay. I'm perfectly flawed...and that's good enough.